SOME OF OUR MOST POPULAR A'MUSINGS

WARNING: The content below contains mildly adult language!


If mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little
lambs eat ivy, then Brad-hiding-with-a-
shotgun-near-his-oat-and-ivy-garden will soon
be eating some mighty fine jerky, boyeee!

=== +++ ===

As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with
seven wives... and it was then I realized that
I was booked on a flight to St. Ives, Utah.
Damn you, cheapasstickets.com!

=== +++ ===

Because the vice president is in charge of
all the cool things like gambling, booze,
hookers and weed, I bet he has some pretty
rockin' cabinet meetings -- especially when
the Secretary of Big Boobs attends.

=== +++ ===

If instead of an atom bomb, we dropped an ATM bomb
on our enemies, we could effectively distract them with
convenient curbside banking services and easily round
them up. With our luck, though, the jerk near the front
would forget his PIN and everyone would get angry,
and we'd be right back where we started.

=== +++ ===

After years of dealing with that smug dental assistant
nagging me to take better care of my teeth, I'm finally
going to have the last laugh: How do you floss between
one tooth, Ms. Hygiene Queen? Answer me that!

=== +++ ===

If life were really like a box of chocolates,
I'd be one zit-faced, tub-of-lard loner,
'cause, boy, do I like chocolate!

=== +++ ===

I woke up this morning and decided that today
would be the day I search for my birth mother.
When I made it downstairs, there she was,
making my breakfast as usual. And smiley-
face pancakes, no less. When it rains, it pours!

=== +++ ===

If you ever get into a jam where you need a hero,
don't make the mistake of calling for Super-Ficial Man.
All he did was tell me I wasn't worth saving because
I had thinning hair and bad teeth. He did tell my
wife she had nice knockers, though.

=== +++ ===

In my will, I've stated that I want my coffin to
be made of aluminum foil and my body to be
dipped in caramel and chocolate. I know that if
I were someday reincarnated as a worm, I would
appreciate it if someone had thought of that.

=== +++ ===

I was well on my way toward fame and fortune
until those tight-asses at the Guinness Book stomped
on my dream. Now what am I supposed to do with this
enema bag and all these jars of marshmallow topping?

=== +++ ===

Given the likely reaction to an increase in
terror-alert level to "severe threat imminent,"
wouldn't a more appropriate alert color be brown?

=== +++ ===

Since beef is "What's for Dinner" and pork is the
"Other White Meat," I think the poultry industry should
trademark "Chicken: What Everything Exotic or Visually
Off-Putting Ultimately Tastes Like -- Only Cheaper!"

=== +++ ===

In a show of American resolve, I've decided
not to purchase anything even remotely affiliated
with the French, including French's mustard.
I'll still buy Grey Poupon though, but only
because I always laugh when I say the name.

=== +++ ===

I was taken aback when the waitress brought
me a plate of tobacco leaves covered in whiskey,
but I guess at a sports bar, I should have
known better than to order the Ty Cobb salad.

=== +++ ===

Ordering the "Herb-basted chicken" seemed
like a good idea -- until I saw a sweaty shirtless man
in the back rubbing chicken breasts across his torso.

=== +++ ===

I figure older people get up so early in the
morning because they can't wait to see if
they're still alive. That, and to have more time
to find where the dog has hidden their teeth.

=== +++ ===

My wife always makes a federal case out of
everything, but that's likely because my screw-
ups usually cross multiple state boundaries.

=== +++ ===

If you ever have to flee police via car, try to
start in the Rhode Island area, because
nothing embellishes a clip on America's Wildest
Auto Chases
like the term "multi-state."

=== +++ ===

After developing a healthy orange glow, an
interest in Olivia Newton-John and an increased
desire to roller-skate, I realized that either these
Xanax tablets are counterfeit or my doctor
needs to work on his penmanship skills.

=== +++ ===

Boy, is my wife going to be surprised!
She always wanted to repaint the kitchen in
a nice olive color, so while she's away on
business, I'm going to get busy with these
fresh new rollers and gallons of black paint.

=== +++ ===

I find it ironic that when I went to confession
to seek forgiveness for my vodka-drinking
problem, the priest offered me Absolution.

=== +++ ===

As we entered the fourth hour of being trapped in
the stuck elevator, I began to worry that the stale air
supply was taking its toll. I mean, there are only
so many replays of "Even the Nights Are Better"
and "I'm All Out of Love" a man can take.

=== +++ ===

One way to keep up the spirits of a dwindling number
of survivors stranded with no food on a freezing
mountaintop is to throw a pretend Mountaintop Ball --
especially if you kick off the gala with finger sandwiches.

=== +++ ===

World's toughest job?
How about being the guy who has
to put the whoop-ass into the can?

=== +++ ===

Rather than responding to my note asking,
"Can Brad have a raise? Yes [ ] No [ ]," my boss
just flat-out fired me. All I Really Need To Know
I Learned in Kindergarten my ass!

=== +++ ===

One crotch-kick later, I realized that
asking the call girl if she had a layaway
plan sounded funnier in my head.

=== +++ ===

I'm so stoked that my new Honda has these
two holders for my Pringles and my bong.
If only they had thought to make it so
I could bring along a beverage, too.

=== +++ ===

Sometimes I wonder whether people prefer episodes
of The Andy Griffith Show before or after George
Lindsey joined the cast, but most of the ones
I ask don't want to get into that Goobernatorial debate.

=== +++ ===

As the screaming woman in front of me lunged
through the small opening in the Plexiglas, trying to
claw the eyes out of the server who she claimed
skimped on her sprinkles, I began to regret
having stopped for a treat at Drama Queen.

=== +++ ===

I would think that when God needs a break from
the pressure of running of the universe, He
takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets
to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.

=== +++ ===

My new co-workers at the slaughterhouse have
been great, patiently showing me the ropes
without any of the hazing I'd feared. I will say,
though, that I hope the Testicle Fairy visits soon,
because my pillow is starting to smell awful.

=== +++ ===

I think my take-no-prisoners attitude is
starting to strain my relationship with my
superiors in the U.S. Marshal's Office.

=== +++ ===

My dog loves cats. I just wish we
could find a canine toothpaste that
gets that icky cat-stench off his breath.

=== +++ ===

I've always felt it's my personal touch that sets me apart
from those other brown-nosing climbers in my department.
For example, during my last performance review,
I not only informed my supervisor that his wife was a two-timing
schemer, but I also showed him the photos of us to prove it.

=== +++ ===

I've been getting my ass kicked in our
local rec league so much lately,
I think I've developed athlete's butt.

=== +++ ===

Some see the glass as half empty, while others
see it as half full. I'd just like to know who
the hell drank half of my urine specimen.

=== +++ ===

I'm still not good when it comes to reading my
wife's signals. Sure the teddy, candles and mood
music suggested a little romance, but I'd swear the
bright red lipstick shouted, "Stop! You must
make a sandwich and watch SportsCenter first."

=== +++ ===

I bet one of the worst things about being Jeffrey Dahmer
would be determining whether your mix tape should
kick off with a scorcher like "Hot Legs" or seduce
the listener with the more subtle "Bette Davis Eyes."

=== +++ ===

I think the key to my homemade "olde-tyme"
peanut butter cookies is the great care I put into
crunching up real peanuts into a smooth consistency.
Either that or the added saliva.

=== +++ ===

If I had to choose between the '80s classics Beat Street
or Breakin' for a prestigious award, I'd probably have to
go with the latter, since its sequel introduced the mind-
shattering concept of marrying electricity with the boogaloo.

=== +++ ===

For six months I've been on this Atkins meat-based
diet, and although I’m losing weight, it’s becoming
difficult to stick with. Before too long, I’ll have to
move on to another town to find more Atkinses.

=== +++ ===

Those old losers can moan all they want about
"race for fun" and "unfair advantage," but they could
have trained just as hard as I did. Besides, they're
they ones who are used to using walkers all the time.

=== +++ ===

Word to the Wise: If you leave your day planner
out where your wife might see it, be sure not to
denote your reminder to arrange a Valentine's Day
getaway in Maryland with "Call MD re: VD".

=== +++ ===

To set the mood, I cranked up Outkast's "(I Love)
The Way You Move" and sat back to enjoy the show --
though at that point the guys from Allied Van Lines
took noticeably less care with my boxes.

=== +++ ===

You'd think with me assuming the weighty responsibility
associated with sitting in an emergency exit row, the
flight attendant would've given me my fifth beer free.

=== +++ ===

To me, a black hole looks a lot like a cosmic toilet
bowl vortex, spirally sucking down everything in its
wake. I can't help but think somewhere there's
a related celestial sewer where all this stuff goes,
likely patrolled by your typical nuclear-waste-mutated
alligator and evil snaggletoothed, child-eating clown.
This, my friends, is why I could never be an astronaut.

=== +++ ===

My wife wasn't too thrilled to open her Bible and
discover penciled-in Commandment 7a: "(However,
when thou art traveling on business, thou shalt heed the
sage advice of My musical apostle, Stephen Stills.)"

=== +++ ===

Can't a guy sit in silence and enjoy his lunch
without someone shoving a basket in his face
asking for money? Man, I hate this church.

=== +++ ===

Most people don't appreciate the morbid sense
of humor that led me to name my dog Splat, but then
again they likely never tried training a world-champion
rooftop Frisbee-catching champion, either.

=== +++ ===

I was so enraged by my doctor keeping me waiting
endlessly -- and then showing no remorse -- that I decided
to mess up his remaining schedule by trashing my exam
room before I left. When I come back for my follow-up next
week, I'd like to see ol' Dr. Proctologist try to top that!

=== +++ ===

People may not appreciate my non-stop swearing
and farting, but I'm not going to give up on this
South Park Diet until I start seeing some results!

=== +++ ===

The problem I have when swinging by McDahmer's for
breakfast is that the Leg McMuffin is too sinewy, yet the
Sausage McMiddles make me feel all puffy and bloated.

=== +++ ===

It drives the other guys at work crazy when they see
a steady stream of women gravitating toward my office.
Can I help it they're not clever enough to think of ditching the
deodorant and instead rely on an armpit-tucked Hershey bar?

=== +++ ===

After I gave him his pills and he drifted off to sleep, I stroked
Dad's hair and recalled how he always said that, when faced
with adversity, blood was stronger than money. I hope that's true,
because all I need are a few more clandestinely-drained
pints for the black market and I've got myself a new guitar!

=== +++ ===

After excitedly explaining to my wife how I planned to rid
our yard of every last hedge, bush and tree, she pointed out
that particular item on her honey-do list didn't actually say
"landscraping." Well, excuuuuuuse ME, Ms. Picky!

=== +++ ===

Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology.
Don't know much about a science book. Don't know much
about the French I took… boy, Mom and Dad sure are
going to be torqued off when they get that tuition bill.

=== +++ ===

I cried because I had no shoes, until I realized it was all
just a dream and that I had plenty of shoes in my closet.
It was the fact that my wife was banging a traveling
shoes salesman that I was really crying about.

=== +++ ===

I had quite a difficult time choosing, because the
look I was going for was something sorta hip-hop-preppy-
goth-slacker-hippie-grunge. My bride and her family,
on the other hand, wished I had just worn a regular tux.

=== +++ ===

I felt a bit uncomfortable when my girlfriend took a job
moonlighting at the local deli. Sure we can use the extra
money she brings in, but the place is such a meat market.

=== +++ ===

Even though I moved away years ago, I never
forgot my kindly elderly neighbor's generosity
or her love of surprises. I know she'll be thrilled
when she gets this anonymous envelope repaying
those four tablespoons of flour I once borrowed.

=== +++ ===

I like to think of myself as somewhat adventurous
and entertaining, but I'm pretty sure Kim Basinger
would've high-tailed it from my love nest after
only three-and-a-half days or so -- and then
just because I've been too lazy about getting
the latch on the basement door fixed.

=== +++ ===

"I scream! You scream! We all scream for Jim Beam!"
Well, we didn't, actually, but Dad said it was the
only way he could get us kids to shut the hell up.

=== +++ ===

If I had known that the "surreal moment of baptismal
transcendence" would involve being pelted with
deformed clocks and spat on, I likely wouldn't
have made this trip to see the Dali Llama.

=== +++ ===

One, two, buckle my shoe.
Three, four, shut the door.
Five, six, pick up sticks.
Seven, eight, friggin' OCD housemate.

=== +++ ===

It was one thing when the diner started
serving "freedom" fries, but with the debut
of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast,
I think things have gotten out of hand.

=== +++ ===

I'm all for increased airport security, and I'm
sure there are reasons for each of the recently
added measures. Still, I've got no clue what
that German Shepherd was supposedly detecting
by bouncing up and down while grappling my leg.

=== +++ ===

I think the most humiliating part about being
sent off to fat camp as a kid was being reduced
to sitting around the fire roasting s'lesses.

=== +++ ===

Hearing my sister's kid call me "Uncle" gives
me an uplifting rush that nudges me ever-closer
to responsible adulthood -- especially when
I have him pinned to the ground with my
knee while twisting his arm behind his back.

=== +++ ===

"C" is for "cookie," that's good enough for me.
With my 10-year-old son in tears, however, I sense the
spelling bee judges must adhere to a higher standard.

=== +++ ===

I don't think it's so much that I'm a bad driver,
but rather that I need to move somewhere
that's not so damn pro-pedestrian.

=== +++ ===

If ever there were a case for renewing Prohibition,
it's that old guy I see pathetically wandering around
the ballpark muttering repeatedly, "Beer? Beer?"
For crying out loud, the dude has a whole
case of the stuff strapped to his chest!

=== +++ ===

In today's corporate environment, it's easy to become
lost amid the meshed web of departmental hierarchy
and bureaucracy. According to this memo, however,
it seems folks are starting to get a little annoyed
by my cubicle-to-restroom breadcrumb trail.

=== +++ ===

When my friend told me I missed her birthday, I profusely
apologized and told her it's because I forgot there was
a September 29th this year. Then I added, "Whew! It's
a good thing I'm so fast-thinking or I would have had to
buy that annoying, shallow gold-digger a gift or something!"

=== +++ ===

While it may have seemed like a wise business
move at the time, I wonder if the guys down at
the Good Intentions Quarry regret having posted
the winning bid for that paving contract.

=== +++ ===

With the election coming up, I'm going to do everything
I can to help my candidate win -- except drive elderly
people to the polls, though, because once that teetering-
on-the-verge-of-death geezer smell gets into your upholstery,
you can forget about ever getting chicks to put out.

=== +++ ===

For Christmas, I gave my wife a perfume that smells
like rum-scented vomit. Considering that's what her
clothing ends up smelling like after we go out anyway,
I figured I'd just save us both some time.

=== +++ ===

If I were to become disillusioned by and leave
my job working the guillotine during the French
Revolution, I doubt I'd have the guts to ask
for some kind of severance package.

=== +++ ===

I remember the time Uncle Rick brought back some meat
from his deer-hunting and joked that he and his buddies
shot Rudolph and took him to the locker for processing.
We all had a good laugh over dinner -- but things got
mighty quiet later when cousin Rudy never came home.

=== +++ ===

I sense that re-gifting is never much
a problem at the family Christmas gatherings
held at that Memento dude's house.

=== +++ ===

I loved my old job when I could hide in my cubicle
and spend the day farting around. Instead it's just work,
work, work here at the baked bean methane-research lab.

=== +++ ===

I'm glad they settled on "honesty" as the best policy,
but I would have loved to have been there when they were
testing "flatulent evasiveness" or "spontaneous pants-wetting."

=== +++ ===

Before she railed at me for the disgusting sculpture,
my sister ought to have realized a confirmed bachelor
with limited means would have little reason to believe her
toddler's request for a "poo bear" meant anything else.

=== +++ ===

As the customer stormed off, I yelled after her,
"Look, Ma'am, my hands are tied!" Well, it looks
like I'll probably lose another job for doing
my rope tricks during store hours again.

=== +++ ===

I finally discovered the secret to invisibility: Simply drink
12 beers in under two hours, and then, when your urine
is transparent, you know you're free to ogle and grope
any woman in the bar -- completely undetected!
Things get a little foggy after that, but I do know that when
you can see your skin again, it's kinda purplish and sore.

=== +++ ===

I guess you can tell the craze has run its course
when the bookstores are promoting "Mars and
Venus Come To Blows Over Toilet Seat Etiquette."

=== +++ ===

What's new, pussy cat? Why do birds sing so gay?
Who let the dogs out? C'mon, folks, this crappy pet store
gig is what the parole officer gave me, OKAY?!?

=== +++ ===

My boss' reaction to my four successful body
blows with the zucchini was my first clue that
our rules for playing squash are vastly different.

=== +++ ===

Seventeen sweltering cheerleaders spent from practice,
and only four Bomb Pops left in the cooler. Today,
my friend, is the day dropping out of college
to drive an ice cream truck finally pays off.

=== +++ ===

All men have their vices. For some, it's dames;
for others, booze or flophouse poker. If it had been
anything else, I would've thrown this bum to the
bricks without batting an eye, but I had never seen
a Precious Moments figurine that adorable before.

=== +++ ===

It would be nice if the Grim Reaper gave 24 hours
notice before taking us, allowing enough time to say
goodbye and fulfill dying wishes so we could depart
this world in a dignified manner. I'd then be able
to rest in peace knowing that my obituary would
read, "Local man found barricaded in basement,
suffocated inside world's largest-recorded bean burrito."

=== +++ ===

"There's nothing more rewarding than helping people,"
I began as the young, impressionable children sat
gathered for Career Day. "And it's my job to help
confused daddies become the square-jawed, off-puttingly
masculine-looking mommies they were born to be."

=== +++ ===

I'm tired of the Man always bringin' me down.
Then again, it was my choice to subscribe to
the Comforter-of-the-Month Club to begin with.

=== +++ ===

Great. I finally make it to the top of the wait list for
outsider conjugal visits at the women's prison, and all
this chick wants to do is differentiate tenses of verbs!

=== +++ ===

This dog translator was a cool idea until I discovered
she was barking to anyone who would listen,
"Help! I'm trapped in a fetching sweatshop with
a closet geriatric-porn addict and a doctor who
writes herself Vicodin prescriptions using my name!"

=== +++ ===

Don't bother playing rock-paper-scissors with God,
since his omniscience gives him quite an edge. Besides,
on the off-chance you sneak one past him, he'll come out
throwing "Love, which conquers all." What are you
going to do, protest and tell God to quit being cheesy?

=== +++ ===

I imagine the folks at FOX are already gearing
up for that day 15 years from now when they'll
lure the once-sexy ingénue back into the
limelight with My Big Fat Obnoxious Beyoncé.

=== +++ ===

I can appreciate my girlfriend naming her lapdog
after what it means to her, but I hate when
she asks me to take little Fartmuffler to the vet.

=== +++ ===

You'd be surprised at the amount of money and
well wishes I received from people supporting my
quest to set the world record for the most consecutive
days standing outside in the cold while ringing a bell.

=== +++ ===

I'd say two of the worst words you can hear
through the bathroom door when you ask if
your guest is all right are "fallen" and "mudbutt."

=== +++ ===

You know it's going to be a bleak Valentine's Day
when you find yourself writing heartfelt sonnets
with the same hand you're writing them to.

=== +++ ===

Life is like a box of chocolates. You buy them for
someone else, tell yourself she won't miss one -- no, three --
little pieces, then recall that time she slept with your cousin
just to piss you off, so you gobble the whole lot of 'em,
only to feel icky and barf them all back into the box and
leave it on her doorstep with the "Here's a little something
to show how I really feel about you" card still attached.

=== +++ ===

I think the show Lost would be a lot more fun for
viewers if ABC consistently changed its air date and time slot,
and also lied to "TV Guide" about when it was scheduled.

=== +++ ===

There's just something about Noel Coward that
makes me think I could totally kick his ass.

=== +++ ===

It only took me a couple of pay periods before I realized
I needed to head to the bank immediately after getting
my check here at the disappearing ink factory.

=== +++ ===

It was a time for heroes: when boys become men and
men become legend -- but only those who can say,
"Thank God I got my irritable bowel syndrome under
control, just in case something scary happens,"
because sissy pants-crappers need not apply.

=== +++ ===

The problem with finally grasping how large the
universe is and the earth's place in it is that you then
realize -- holy crap! -- the sun's right there on our ass!

=== +++ ===

Just as I suspected: After drinking all that bottled water,
my tests came back positive for the Evian flu.

=== +++ ===

For God so loved the world, He gave us Velveeta.
I mean, will we ever stop finding new uses for
this miracle food product? I strongly doubt it!

=== +++ ===

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is letting me have
Thursday Poker Nights and teasingly sustaining my
belief that we'll one day have a three-way. Love is
giggling coquettishly when I pull the covers up and
subject you a Dutch oven. Love is not -- I repeat,
not -- punching me vindictively in the nards.

=== +++ ===

There's something disquieting about checking in to
my room at the Radisson to find the previous
guests had the Sleep Number bed set at 69.

=== +++ ===

If I had lived during the era of the Old West, I would
have opened the Y'all Come Back Salon, because
a hard day on the trail deserves one of those outposts
where you could sit down, kick off your boots and get
a pedicure and refreshing cucumber and avocado-butter facial.

=== +++ ===

On the bright side, it appears the Guinness Book doesn't
already have an entry for someone twice surviving
electrocution via hair-dryer-use while on a toilet.

=== +++ ===

I'd be much more comfortable just fostering a highway
until it can be adopted by a more stable permanent family.

=== +++ ===

I sure wish some young singer named Britney Houston
would emerge on the pop scene so we could have bizarre
coked-up sassiness in a chubbilicious Cajun package.

=== +++ ===

People generally don't agree with me, so I should have known
my acid reflux couldn't handle that Soylent Green soufflé.

=== +++ ===

If I ever release an album, I'm going to title it "10 Million German
Hasselhoff Fans Can't Be Wrong." You know those crazy Germans
will buy anything with that guy's name on it, and then I'll have an even
bigger laugh with the leadoff single, "Oh Yes, They Freakin' Can!"

=== +++ ===

My agent said I had a shot at steady income if I just
flew out to Hollywood and did this pilot. Man, was she
ever right: He recommended me to all his flyboy buddies!

=== +++ ===

Looking back, I think my parents might have tricked
me by suggesting I hold on to my investment until
there was improvement the tooth futures markets.

=== +++ ===

Just when I think the secret crush I have on
my long-time lady friend might finally be
requited, she introduces me to acquaintances
as "this weaselly little gasbag to my right."

=== +++ ===

Perhaps when toasting my bride at our wedding
reception, I shouldn't have mentioned how glad
I was to have "weathered my Internet-dating
skank-a-thon" long enough to meet her.

=== +++ ===

In hindsight, I suppose I could have thanked
the officer for pointing out my broken taillight
without offering him a hit off my bong.

=== +++ ===

Drat! I'd almost beaten Whiskers in our game of
"Cat Clue" -- while we both had "candlestick" and "study,"
I had penciled in "Professor Plum" when I should
have known the murderer, as always, was Ms. Curiosity.

=== +++ ===

People compliment me on my tan, but what
they don't realize is it's actually a tattoo! An expensive,
painful, wish-I-had-stopped-at-the-boxers-line tattoo.

=== +++ ===

As I laid in the hospital bed, clinging to the threads of life
I had left, I looked over the faces of the many friends and
well-wishers who came by, and in that brief moment
I realized something very important: There actually
is a point at which sour cream goes bad.

=== +++ ===

When I'm in doubt, I always ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
I should have also reminded myself that this isn't Galilee and handing
out free fish to everyone would cost me my job at Long John Silver's.

=== +++ ===

A man doesn't realize what evil he's capable of
rendering with his bare hands until he reaches Day
Six of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as sung by Muppets.

=== +++ ===

It's encouraging to know the makers of Soylent Green
would be forced by today's FDA guidelines to include
the phrase "Ingredients: People" in the nutritional disclosure.
However, I sense most shoppers would just see "Now with no trans fats!"
splashed on the front and drop a few cans in their carts anyway.

=== +++ ===

For years I had this unexplained, burning desire
to risk my life in the running of the bulls. I was
finally able to get the proper treatment once the
doctor diagnosed me with Human Pamplona Virus.

=== +++ ===

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket.
Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil,
you'll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those
embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.

=== +++ ===

It's weird how, after all these years, memories of college
lectures on thermal conductivity dynamics came flooding
back and finally gelled. I just wish it hadn't taken a dropped
mug of Maxwell House in my lap to hammer it home.

=== +++ ===

Of all the senses, smell is the first I'd be willing to
ditch. I'd gladly give up "fresh-baked cookies" and
"pine needles" to be eternally rid of "gassy cubicle-mate"
and "Febreze-impervious apartment sofa."

=== +++ ===

It's never encouraging when you ask your
parents to tell you about when you were born
and they simply reply, "Mistakes were made...."

=== +++ ===

I'm hoping I can apply for a smelling-nose dog,
to compensate for my handicap of not being
able to recall where I've stashed my weed.

=== +++ ===

Did those jerks at the blood bank
even bother to read my note?
I'd sterilized those Mason jars first!

=== +++ ===

My Spidey sense is going crazy today,
suggesting I might soon be getting fired.
Perhaps it's no coincidence I feel this greater tingling
on the days I choose not to wear pants to work.

=== +++ ===

While reaching modern students is tougher now
than ever, I suppose I might have crossed some
vague ethical boundary by renaming my "Calculus
in Geometry" course "Learning to Make Crystal Math."

=== +++ ===

I think the worst part about having both hands torn
off in a farming accident would be losing the ability
to point to where in the hayfield you think they flew.

=== +++ ===

You would think that, at some point during all my years
of research, one of my scientist colleagues might be kind
enough to mention there was no need for a cootie vaccine.

=== +++ ===

Those My Little Pony dolls are perfect for little girls,
combining their two favorite real-life things: brushing hair
and blowing Dad's money on insanely expensive indulgences.

=== +++ ===

When I reminded my anxious wife that the labor nurses
said to prepare to spend most of this delivery completely
naked, she insisted that directive applied only to her.

=== +++ ===

Experts say the grieving process is different for everyone --
so back off and let me finish peanut-buttering my fish suit!

=== +++ ===

I didn't know what to make of Kentucky Fried Chicken using
"Sweet Home Alabama" as their latest commercial theme --
until I saw their new Skynless Chykyn Sandwych.

=== +++ ===

I was elated to hear my wife's name over the radio as
having come up with today's "phrase that pays."
Only later did I learn the phrase was, "I'll do the entire
Morning Zoo Crew for those Enrique Iglesias tickets."

=== +++ ===

The cruel deception of diaper makers is that names like Pampers,
Huggies and Luvs in no way prepare you for the horror you find inside.

=== +++ ===

As my wife watched in horror while I perpetrated
what had to be the worst diaper change in history
of mankind, she swore she'd never let me do
another one. Woo-hoo! Mission accomplished!

=== +++ ===

No wonder babies get fussy. Have you ever spent the day
wearing paper and plastic underwear, periodically soiling
yourself? It's hard to get any investment analysis done!

=== +++ ===

I'm not sure whether my wife was irked by my using
too much foaming oil when I drew her surprise
romantic bath, or that the Bubble Chick I sculpted while
waiting for her had a bigger rack than she did.

=== +++ ===

You say, "to-MAY-to"; I say, "If you keep saying
that tired freakin’ phrase every time we go to
a freakin’ salad bar, I swear I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"

=== +++ ===

Good friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Superfriends no let Hulk smash smashed.

=== +++ ===

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
And if it's a rainy Monday, you'd be well advised to keep the
small talk to a minimum when you purchase stamps from me.

=== +++ ===

Remember, guys: If your prostitute is over five feet
tall, she's probably a member of Munchkinland Vice.

=== +++ ===

I wondered why there were so many postings
about solicitation-friendly bathroom stalls --
until I realized I was on LarryCraigslist.

=== +++ ===

I often wish I had a time machine, if for no other
reason than to go back to the invention of the
automatic hand-dryer and lay claim to being the
first one to scuff the label to read "Push Butt."

=== +++ ===

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when the aliens
come to take us all away. Most likely we'll be just
outside Earth's atmosphere when some stupid dork
will start wailing about his needing to use the bathroom.

=== +++ ===

The great thing about convincing mimes to join
Fight Club -- besides totally beating their asses --
is knowing they'll never break rules 1 and 2.

=== +++ ===

I try to not sweat the small stuff.
My pores are so damn big it oozes
out in unpleasantly large chunks.

=== +++ ===

If this whole Heath Ledger tragedy has taught
me anything, it's that I'm not the only one
who makes numerous inappropriate calls to
Mary-Kate Olsen with a dead body in the room.

=== +++ ===

I love the nightlife. I got to boogie.
But apparently the minister believes those
needs don't meet his lofty standards for
"reasons why this couple should not be wed."

=== +++ ===

I think the very definition of "one of those days"
is when you start your morning by mixing up
your contacts with your electric shaver.

=== +++ ===

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Absolut power, on the other hand,
foolishly makes you believe there will be
no repercussions for punching out your
boss after that five-vodka-martini lunch.

=== +++ ===

The problem with my wife and I sharing
a wireless Internet connection is that I'll often
get notices from our service provider telling
me that someone else is logging on to our
account... FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!

=== +++ ===

Apparently "resisting the urge to unleash vengeful
wrath on my co-workers" is not something the
employee review team deems a valid coming-year goal.

=== +++ ===

While not well documented, I'd imagine
there has to be someone of renown whose
famous last words were "OHHHHH SHIT!!!"

=== +++ ===

Until HR helped me clear things up, I had
always assumed the sexual harassment clock
didn't start until after the job interview.

=== +++ ===

Great! After weathering the screening process
required to join the polygamist sect, the elders
decide to stick me with one wife who
happens to have multiple personality disorder.

=== +++ ===

With pilot-buying season coming up, I'm hoping CBS
will greenlight CSI: Boise, because I relish the idea
of seeing someone hacked to death over a stolen lawn gnome.

=== +++ ===

I figure I'd better get started smoking now.
Otherwise in a few years my son might
bring home from pre-school a crappy
clay-and-elbow-macaroni DVD player.

=== +++ ===

You say "toh-MAY-toh," I say "toh-MAH-toh."
You say "soothing lotion for breastfeeding
mothers," I say "boob lube." This is why
you shouldn't let me write the shopping list.

=== +++ ===

The funny thing about babies getting teeth:
The first couple are really cute, but until he
gets a full set, my son is now caught in
that awkward Deliverance-baby phase.

=== +++ ===

I shot the sheriff and the deputy.
Now there's nothing to stop Aunt
Bea and I from being together!

=== +++ ===

If the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach, what's with the horrified looks
from the other surgical residents?

=== +++ ===

I'm terrible when it comes to picking fights.
I always end up choosing the one
where it's my ass that gets kicked.

=== +++ ===

I had a foolproof plan to rig the
Junior Olympics. And I'd have
gotten away with it, too, if it
weren't for those medalling kids!

=== +++ ===

I don't wanna work! I just wanna bang on the drum all day!
But I have a job at the Ludwig testing plant!
Can you say, "I-RO-NEEEEEEEE!!!"?

=== +++ ===

You just know that journey of a thousand miles
is going to feel even longer when that first step
lands smack in a fresh, still-steaming pile of dog doo.

=== +++ ===

My wife informed me I might get lucky
if I purchased something sexy for her to
wear to bed Valentine's Day evening.
Thank you, makers of the Snuggie(TM)!

=== +++ ===

I wonder if cannibal children,
when making a cold meat sandwich,
fight over who gets the heel.

=== +++ ===

I, too, am sure all that glitters is gold, but
I'd be much more inclined to buy a stairway
to the VIP Lounge at the Pussykat Klub.

=== +++ ===

My co-joined uncles had a saying,
"Where there's a Will, there's a Wayne."

=== +++ ===

I have to laugh when I hear people say if you
gave a million monkeys a million typewriters,
one would eventually write Shakespeare.
Yeah, right -- like he'd even have Shakespeare's address!

=== +++ ===

Guys, the next time you're out at a bar, try this trick:
Drop two fake eyeballs in a beer glass and hand it to the
lady of your choice. When she asks what it is, tell her,
"That's the DUI charge you could save by going home with me."

=== +++ ===

They say that whenever a bell rings, an angel
gets its wings. I gather, however, this
irate Motel 6 clerk is not a religious sort.

=== +++ ===

The secret to a successful, fulfilling marriage can be
summed up in three words: Honesty, Respect, and
Dudecallmeonmycellphoneandsayyoujustgotpinned-
underyourcarandthatIhavetocomeoverandhelpyouget-
outwhichmighttakeafewhourssoIcan'tbereachedbutImay-
needhertocomebailmeoutofjaillaterandbythewayshe-
mightalsoneedtobringwithheracleanpairofmyunderpants.

=== +++ ===

If the only thing we have to fear is Fear itself, then I think
I should sit down with Fear, crack open a couple of beers
and watch a few hilarious episodes of "America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
Then, right when Fear least expects it... WHAMWHAMWHAM!
I pound him relentlessly in Nadsville. I'd like to see Fear try to come off
as intimidating while covering his junk, at least when I strut by.

=== +++ ===

It's sad to see how the precipitous decline in the
newspaper industry is impacting journalists. Well,
except for those who annoyingly use the term
"game-changing" all the time, 'cause it's fun to watch
them have to choke down that irony sandwich.

=== +++ ===

Still looking for fun? Check out these phat links!





=== +++ ===

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